Rage Cell Phone Nazis 

Youre on acrowded bus on your way home. Your cell phone rings. Its your wife, asking youto pick up a carton of milk on the way. Its your kid, asking you if he can goover to a friends house for dinner. Its your boss, wanting to know where youput the keys to the filing cabinet. Its any one of about eighty fuckingmillion reasons that someone would need to call you. Take your pick. That,ladies and gentlemen, is why we carry cell phones so people can get a hold of uswhen they need to. Thats why the damn things were invented in the first place.We live in an age of convenience, and cell phones are the embodiment ofconvenience. They mean we never have to stay by the phone to wait for a call,and we never have to be out of touch when were not home. Most people thinkcell phones are just Jim fucking Dandy most people. However, there seems to be asmall group of people out there lurking on buses and in public parks, standingnext to us on elevators, walking behind us on sidewalks, and sitting at the nexttable in the caf who think its absolutely horrible of you to make or receivea call on your cell phone whilst within their earshot and/or eyesight. Thesepeople are actually trying to enact legislation in some places that will make itillegal to talk on a cell phone in public. Now this is something I have to takethe gloves off about. There are a lot of things in this world that get on mynerves. As a matter of fact, there are a lot of things in this world thatoutright piss me off. I dont like people who take too long to write a check inthe express line at the grocery store, and then itemize their receipt rightthere on the spot without a thought in their empty fucking heads about thepeople in line behind them. I dont like people who stop their cars totallybereft of any sign instructing them to do soto let you cross the street andthen sit there trying to communicate with hand signals when it would be aboutten times as fast to just keep fucking going and let you cross behind them. Ireally hate it when I walk into store with the sole intent of making a purchaseand thereby contributing to the store owners continued well-being andlivelihood, only to be told by some clerk who is usually way too fucking perkyfor someone who makes seven bucks an hour that I have to let her hold onto mybackpack while visiting their fine establishment for fear that I might stow somepiece of merchandise in it and abscond without paying. These are just a few ofthe thousand-odd reasons that I have what is generally considered a bad fuckingattitude. But do you see me down at the state capitol, county courthouse, cityhall, or any other building full of morons who are doing everything but what werepaying them to do trying to get laws passed against these things? No. I actuallyhave a life, so Im doing what every single intelligent person in the entirefucking world is doing every single day as we wade head-deep through thewrithing sea of idiots were forced to deal with on a daily basis. Imgrinning and fucking bearing it. However, not everyone is even as tolerant as Iam and that really says something. I saw a story on the news the other day aboutpeople who are actually trying to get local laws passed to stop other peoplefrom being able to talk on their cell phones in public. What the fuck is that?The fact that this is being allowed to progress past its anal-retentiveinception is preposterous enough, then we come to the reason theyre doingthis. Because they consider it rude. Not because talking on a cell phone withinearshot of someone who is not included in the conversation is endangering livesor causing blindness in children or even causing digestive problems in pets.Because these fucking ornery, venomous pricks consider it rude. Well guess what,you cantankerous fucking assholesI think people like you are wasting goodoxygen, so Im going to seek legislation stating that you are only allowed tobreathe the air the rest of us wont be needing. I think you dipshits are atotal waste of skin, so Im going to do my level best to get a law passedmandating that when two of you marry, you wont be allowed to fuck for fearthat you will produce like offspring and genetically perpetuate your stinkingpersonalities. Im of the opinion that you stupid fucks are a blight on thenose of humanity, so Im going to have you all taken to concentration camps andgassed!! Sound familiar? Its perfectly okay to have an opinion about somethingand its okay to state your opinion in the loudest fucking voice you want to.This is America were supposed to be a fucking free country. But whenassholes like you start forcing everyone else around you to live their livesaccording to your opinions in order to make your immediate reality a moreenjoyable place for you to be, another choice is taken away from the rest of usand one more freedom erodes. Unfortunately its not just the cell phone Nazis.Its also the right-wing Christians, the inbred racist hate-mongers, thepro-life fetus police (like this fucking planet isnt crowded enough), theIslamic fundamentalists (go ahead and try putting a price on my head,motherfuckerI shoot back), the rabidly anti-tobacco fuckwits who are nowtelling smokers where they can and cannot smoke even outdoors,et-fucking-cetera. When you Nazis finally do get your wish and you have managedto chase off, criminalize, or gas all the people whose health habits you do notapprove of, whose personalities annoy you, or whose race you believe yourselvessuperior to, guess what? There wont be anyone left at all but you, all byyourselves. Who are you going to hate then? Youll hate the person you reallyhated all along yourselves.

back

Home